Monday, May 2, 2011

A Day In The Life Of A Musician: A Timeline Odyssey

12 noon: wake up.

12:05pm: shag groupie laying in bed.

12:10pm: call taxi for groupie.

12:15pm: think about taking a shower.

12:30pm: still in bed and forgetting about shower.

12:35pm: pick up random guitar laying around and strumming a few chords.

12:40pm: put guitar down and get up to walk around. 

12:42pm: light cigarette and finish off last night's unfinished bottle of beer.

12:50pm: get a call from the band manager saying rehearsal is at 3pm.

1pm: open another bottle of beer.

1:10pm: find another groupie laying on the couch in the living room.

1:15pm: shag groupie on couch.

1:17pm: call taxi for couch groupie.

1:20pm: get inspiration for song. pick up guitar and noodle.

1:30pm: open fridge. nothing is inside except a small tub of butter and a squeeze bottle of mustard.

a musician's refrigerator.

1:45pm: go to the bathroom. piss and shit. still don't take a shower.

2pm: get dressed in leather pants, boots, and a sleeveless  t-shirt that says "I <3 to PARTY!"

2:10pm: light another cigarette. 

2:15pm: roll a few joints for rehearsal.

2:30pm: get in beat up car and drive to rehearsal.

going to band practice!

3:15pm: arrive late for band rehearsal. wait for other late band members to arrive.

3:20pm: smoke a joint with the only prompt band member.

3:48pm: band rehearsal starts.

5pm: rehearsal ends. pack up gear for big concert at local recreation center.

5:30pm: smoke a joint with entire band.

5:40pm: manager calls and says sound check is at 6pm and the band needs to be on stage at 11pm.

5:45pm: band members pile into the band van and head to the rec center.

6:15pm: arrive late for sound check. sound guy is still unpacking cables and mic stands.

6:20pm: smoke a joint with sound guy.

6:30pm: unload equipment from band van.

7pm: get a sound check.

7:15pm: leave rec center and go to a local bar and grill for eats.

7:30pm: order a round of beers and burgers. 

7:31pm: flirt with server and offer to put her on guest list for the show.

7:32pm: server feigns interest and truthfully says she's closing and can't make it to the show.

your server has no interest in you.

7:34pm: each band member thinks the server has the hots for him and talks about what they would do to her if they were alone.

7:50pm: eat food!

8pm: order another round of beers.

8:10pm: manager calls and says he expects a packed crowd at the rec center due to a write up from a very influential music journalist. 

8:20pm: pay for food and drinks on record label's credit card. leave bar and grill.

8:35pm: drive back to rec center to find a long line of fans waiting to get in.

8:36pm: go in the back door and straight to the green room.


what a full blown green room party looks like.

9pm: more drinking, smoking, and lechery ensues.

9:30pm: a roadie brings a live baby shark into the green room.

9:35pm: unspeakable things happen in green room.

9:50pm: drummer and roadie challenge opening band members to a drinking contest.

10pm: more blow is offered to keep staggering and drunk band awake.

10:10pm: light another cigarette.

10:20pm: smoke another joint.

10:30pm: shag another groupie in the restroom.

10:35pm: light another cigarette.

10:45pm: manager arrives to psych up band for epic performance.

11pm: band hits the stage to sold out crowd of screaming fans!

what a crowd of screaming fans may look like!

12:30am: play an encore and leave the stage.

12:40am: sign autographs for fans.

1:30am: head to green room for more partying!

1:45am: smoke another joint.

1:50am: drink a round of beers with band members, roadies, groupies, and the manager.

2am: leave recreation center in band van with groupies sitting on laps.

2:30am: arrive at the after party.

2:45am: smoke joints, drink booze, shag groupies.

4am: invite a few groupies back to apartment for an after-after party.

4:15am: arrive at apartment and shag all groupies that where invited.

4:30am: light a cigarette.

4:45am: smoke a joint.

5am: pass out.

even the cat partied a little too hard!


This timeline account of a musician is completely fabricated and made up. In no way does this really happen. Please do not attempt any of the things in the timeline as only professional rock & rollers can maintain this lifestyle. Drugs and alcohol are bad for you and having lots of unprotected sex with strangers could get you a disease or a divorce. I, the blog writer, have never done anything resembling these types of activities. Why are you shaking your head at me? Honest! I don't do these things! Oh well, believe what you want to believe. Now excuse me while I tend to my stamp collection.

- Mike